Comments on Homework pieces Feb/Mar

13/3/2017

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4 Comments

Carleton Chinner link

13/3/2017 07:08:48 pm

Donna - There’s a Little Yellow Pill
There is a sparse beauty to this poem that I really like.
Lines such as “She had come willingly” and “Yes – as pretty as can be” feel like tiny daggers thrust into an exquisite corpse.
However, it’s what you don’t say that is so much more meaningful. I got the feeling that Ned should be screaming “What about me?”, but instead you subtly give us the yellow pill.

If I had to be really picky, I’d suggest that the word choice in one or two phrases could be tighter.

Mahesha – Legless
What a character. A disabled diver who survived the apocalypse. I love it.
I would consider describing her crawl to the workshop. I feel it would tell us a lot about Kel’s character.
The cave at the end is a nice touch of creepy, but I would have liked it to be woven more into the story.

Helen – Ned Kelly
There’s a whole novel buried in this short tale. Ned’s life from his childhood all the way to his undoing.
I first read it as a morality tale – Ned gets what he deserves, but after some reflection, I wonder if Ned is a product of his circumstances and his end just one final grim note.

Peta – Circus
Great imagery of the run-down circus drawn through its inhabitants. No lions or elephants, indeed.
I love the line “Ned took off his persona and put his other one back on. “
I felt you could have expanded on who Ned was and also on the line “Lilly was haunted and ravenous.” I really wanted to know more about both of them. Why, for example, does Ned decide to argue with his parents?

Brad – Kelly Cop
This is awesome in its brutal honesty. It’s so raw. Having met a few policemen from the days of Sir Joh, I can just see the coppers, scarcely more than thugs themselves, but somehow still on the side of law and order.
I go the feeling that this is the opening to a grand crime novel. Ned’s old ways are slowly being eroded by the relentless progression to a modern world. I can just see him fighting the changes and somehow still coming out on top.

James – Ned
Loved it. The increasing tension and sudden switches in fortune made for a most enjoyable read.
The great James T. Culverhouse. Enough said.

Vicki – On the Edge
The opening is fantastic. The tension builds and builds until I’m waiting for something terrible to happen to Ned, but then he sees her, and all I want to do is know who she is and why she is so important.
There’s a lot to like about the story, but the passage that describes the song is in a different league. “roads to travel, mountains to climb, dreams to fulfil” says so much.
And I didn’t see that ending coming.

Vicki Stevens link

13/3/2017 10:54:53 pm

I'd like to say that I think this task has produced some of our greatest work yet! You can tell by the length of submissions, the quality of writing, and the varied settings and characters. There was a trapped clown, a tired rockstar, a guardian of light, a robbed writer, a pill taking wife, an apocalyptic paraplegic, cops - traditional, futuristic, crooked, and cross cultural. The creativity was brilliant and I commend you all for the time and effort you put into producing such wonderful work. Also a huge thank you to Peta for suggesting the topic. You all rock!

Peta Culverhouse

15/3/2017 10:12:08 am

First let me say, I loved all of your work. There are some incredibly talented people in the group. I am really honoured to be a part of WR.

The only issues that have come up in all of the writing, (including mine) is the usage of long sentences.

There is a scale called the Flesch-Kinkaid scale of readability (grade level) that is embedded in word (File>options>proofing>autocorrect options) that is a handy tool to look at. It doesn't mean it's correct all of the time. However, it does make you think about the length of your sentences and their structure. Since finding out about this tool, I have noticed my tendency to flood the reader with overly long sentences.

Also, always an issue with any writer (and those being edited will know this), grammar and punctuation, the two words that make everyone shudder. Just be mindful of both. Now onto the reviews!

On the Edge - Vicki

Great story! You can hear the roar of the crowd. Your word usage is excellent. You can feel the tension building, the anxiety hanging over Ned. I beleive the only issue with your story is that it ended just a little too abruptly. Might I suggest, just adding another paragraph to the end of it to make that dive all the more pogniant. Well done - a sincerely great read.

Tina - Light Keeper

Beautiful work! You explained light working in perfect unison with the imagery of the story. This made your story thought provoking and glorious. I enjoyed your imaginings. A brilliant read. Well Done!

Laurie - Fugue

Loved this story. Very dark and forboding. Incredibly interesting take on Ned. I enjoyed the planet of addiction, a great analogy. I love the way you always take your writing to the next level! Well done!

Donna D. - There's a Little Yellow Pill

I know exactly how Ned feels right now. Your word choice is brilliant for this poem. My only suggestion would be was that it ended a little too abruptly, another stanza would have made it just that more impactful. Excellent work, you captured the 1960's well. Well done!

Brad D. - Kelly Cop

I love your work Brad. It's like you are a writing a new gritty cop drama for the ABC and this is your pitch. Have you ever given serious thought to writing a screenplay based on your time on the force? I can see Hugh Jackman in the role as "Ned". Excellent job (I seriously hope that your nickname wasn't "Nutgrass" that made me laugh out loud!).

Peta - Circus

Thank you Carleton for the feedback. I appreciate it. I will work on improving my explanation as to why Ned exploded. You made some excellent points.

James - Ned

This needs no explanation. I edited this. James, as a writer, lives in a very scary place. I must say though it was very refreshing that there were no explosions! Maybe a few pops :) Brilliant story.

Carleton - Jozi Winter

So when are you writing your biography? I didn't realise how violent, gritty, desperate, ugly parts of Johannesburg are. This is excellent. The visuals are superb. Though, sadly, it doesn't make me want to go there, except for the food. The only suggestion I can make is that I need a glossary of terms! Brilliant work, Well done!

Helen - Ned Kelly

I enjoyed your overview style of Ned's life. There was a lot of era's passed through. My only suggestion would be to expand on one of those time periods in Ned's life for this story. You seem to be writing a synopsis of what is going to happen in the novel you should write. Excellent work! Well done.

M - Legless (not really, or quite possibly!)

I have a question before my review - is Ned a paraplegic or a double amputee?

I really like this story. It was very well written and the imagery nicely captured the bleak landscape of a post apocalyptic world. Some of the english was a little out dated for a futuristic world. However, that said, english does come in and out of style all the time. This was a very easy read! Well done!

Charlotte MILF link

16/2/2025 03:05:47 pm

Thanks for possting this

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